Help someone as a parent/caretaker

1. Pick a relaxed moment
   • Over time you might notice a specific time of the day or a place when your child feels more comfortable talking, like driving together or doing chores.
   • If your child is upset, anxious or angry, first give them some time to calm down. It will be harder to think clearly in these moments and there’s a bigger chance they will shut down.
   • Choose a day when you feel okay. If you are exhausted or overwhelmed it harder to react well.
2. Do something together
   • It can help a child to open up when they’re on the move, doing an activity, or have something to do with their hands.
   • Side-by-side talking can be easier than face-to-face. No eye contact helps to take off some pressure.
   • Choose an activity that doesn’t require too much concentration, so you can focus on chatting, like: driving somewhere together, going for a walk, play catch, bake or cook together, a game/creative activity.
3. Gently check-in to get started
   • Start with gentle questions (go to conversation starters)
   • Check if it seems like the right time. If they are not in the mood, don’t force them to talk or give answers. You can always try again another moment.
   • Soft openers like: “How war your day really?” or “Do you want to talk or just chill?” can make it easier.

1. Give them space to open up

   • Leave space for them to start talking gradually. Don’t push with ‘why’ or ‘how’ questions.

   • Hold space for pauses and silences. This can encourage them to stick with the conversation and gives them time to think about what they want to say.

   • Focus on listening. When they are talking, let them speak for as long as they need to. Don’t jump in with solutions or trying to fix things. This can be discouraging to keep talking and make them feel misunderstood.

2. Stay calm and show you’re listening

   • Give them your full attention. Relax your body and face. Avoid sitting with your arms folded or frowning.

   • Be caring, but calm. Avoid showing too much worry, anger, or upset. Showing them you can manage what they’re telling you, will create more comfort (also to open up in the future).

   • Conversations like these can be confronting and bring up feelings like doubt or guilt as a parent. Try to put this aside during the conversation. You can share these feeling with people that you trust.

   • Try to keep your tone steady. Many young people shut down if they sense panic.

3. Show them you believe them

   • Try to see through their eyes. Show them that you can see it’s a big deal and that it was scary to tell you. Empathise with how it feels for them. Even if the problem seems small to you, it feels big to them. That’s what matters.

   • Try to not minimize anything they say. Avoid saying things like: ‘just try not to think about it’, ‘you’re overthinking this’, ‘just ignore them/it’ or ‘just try to let it go’.

4. Offer hope and reassurance

   • When children or young people are struggling, it can feel like the end of the world, like it will be forever. Avoid coming up with quick solutions to complicated problems. But do show that you’re confident there is a way to make things better.

5. Ask if there’s anything you can do to help. It can be simple, like:

   • Checking in with them every so often

   • Spending time with them

   • Giving them space when they’re feeling stressed

   • Let them know: “We will figure this out together. You don’t have to do this alone.”

!Remember that when your child is struggling, it doesn’t mean you’ve failed. You’re showing how much you love and support them by being there to listen!

1. Don’t give yourself a hard time
   • Your first reaction is not always your best one, especially if something takes you by surprise. It’s okay to make mistakes. Let them know that you won’t always get it right, but that you do want to understand what it’s like for them and you’ll keep trying.
   • You can always come back to a conversation. You can apologize for the last time, let them know you want to understand and ask to start again.
   • If the talk felt heavy, take a moment to breathe and reset afterwards.
   • Try to be relaxed and yourself afterwards. Your child will be able to feel that you care about what’s happening, even if they don’t show it.
   • Remember it’s an ongoing conversation. You don’t have to understand everything after just one chat. Keep offering more opportunities to talk.
2. Talk it through with your own people
   • These conversations are tough to navigate. It can be really helpful to talk to friends, family or other parents going through something similar.
   • When you reach out to others, avoid mentioning anything that you agreed to keep private. This could make your child feel worried about talking again. Focus on your own feelings to help keep the trust.
   • Getting support for yourself helps you stay steady for your child.
3. Be available
   • Make time for fun or relaxing activities to give them a break from what’s going on. Small everyday moments, like cooking, watching a show together, sitting on the porch, can help rebuild closeness.

Sometimes a child has a hard time opening up. You know they’re struggling, but don’t find an opening to really talk with them. You can try other ways of communicating:

• Texting or writing each other: try text, Whatsapp, email or a letter to try to open up.
• Using codewords or emojis: using a specific emoji/codeword to let you know they’ve had a bad day. They can text it to you or say it to you.
• Making cards: make cards that represent a specific need, like going for a walk, wanting to watch TV together, or needing alone time. They can use this card, when they have a hard time opening up.

These methods work because they give your child control and reduce pressure to speak out loud.

!It might be hard for a child to open up. Give them space and time to build trust and feel comfortable!

Sometimes a child is not ready to talk, or does not want to talk to you. Even though that can be upsetting as a parent, it isn’t about you. Make sure they know you’re there whenever they are ready. Some strategies you can try when they don’t want to talk:

1. Encourage them to talk to someone else: a family friend, relative, professional, someone at school or a counsellor or therapist.
2. Give them information they can look at their own time, like this website
3. Stay visible and present. This keeps the door open without forcing anything and shows steady love.
   • Hang out in the living room, or in the kitchen. They will know you are around and where to find you when they’re ready.
   • Offer opportunities for spending time together, like going for a walk, drive, or an activity they like. They don’t have to talk. Being there can be enough for now.
   • Keep saying ‘I’m here’ and ‘I love you’, even if they don’t take it in.
   • Watch TV or films together about the topic
   • Focus on talking as a whole family: make chatting about this stuff a normal part of everyday life. This shows your child it’s okay to talk and gives them a chance to learn how.

If your child talks about harming themselves, seems very withdrawn for a long time, or you’re worried about their safety, reach out to a professional, school counsellor, GP, or mental health service. Asking for help is a strength, not a failure.

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